what is self love?
Loving oneself is one of the hardest things we commission ourselves to do each and every day.
Some say that they love themselves, but their actions contradict. Others claim not to know how to give self-love, yet spread themselves thin showing love to the important people in their lives. Loving ourselves is not something we are taught in school, and it’s not something we are taught at home.
From a young age, many of us are told, “take care of yourself” and “put yourself first”. But what does that really mean? A definition of self-love looks like this:
self-love
noun
regard for one's own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).
But how do we regard our own well-being and happiness? So many of us don’t even know how to unveil their true happiness and experience true well-being, because we are so caught up in a busy lifestyle. More often than not, it takes a life-shaking experience to realize that what we had perceived as “happy” for so long, was actually a false notion of happiness that we had fabricated in our minds. People do this all the time: basing their bar of happiness (or conceived happiness) on what others say, think, or experience.
But here’s the catch: we all have our own bar, that is set inside of ourselves! Whether your personal happiness is created by following a strict schedule, free-flowing through life, or making up the rules as you go along, that’s YOUR experience! Just because a friend likes to get up at the crack of dawn for her workouts and she seems happy, does not mean that happiness would come to you if you choose to do the same. Maybe you are a night person. Maybe your happiness comes from having a cup of coffee in the morning, and saving your workout for the end of the day.
My point is that we’re all different. We were all built differently and raised differently, and we all experience and cultivate self-love in a unique and beautiful way. My self-loving practices include challenging myself to a really long hot yoga class (even if my palms are sliding all over the place in downward dog and I feel like a slippery disaster), drinking lemon water in the morning, and forcing myself to breathe and live in the moment when I’m stressed and running late. Your self-love practices may be completely different from mine, and you might think I’m crazy for them! But it doesn’t matter, because I’m me, and you’re you! And one thing that we all have in common is a list of things that I’m going to call Self-Love Cues.
Self-Love Cues come about when your body and your mind and your soul are desperately trying to reach your brain to let you know that you need a little extra self-love. You know, that look your dog gives you when he needs a little extra lovin'? You do that to yourself, too. Without realizing it.
These cues happen during times of stress, fear, change, transition, and exhaustion. When you feel some of these cues coming on(please let me know if I leave anything out!), it is imperative that you take a moment to reflect on what’s going on inside, and around you. Here are a few low self-love cues that I have experienced, and that I’ve seen other people experience:
Stiff and achy muscles (not sore, stiff.)
Feeling off, not feeling “like yourself”
Nervous stomach
Overeating or “stress-eating”
Not being able to take the time to enjoy a moment, feeling constantly rushed
The feeling that you’re scrambling or stretched thin
Tension headaches and migraines
Not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep
I’d like to point out that I’m not a doctor, and I’m not a therapist. I’m an intuitive yoga teacher. Obviously consult your healthcare professional(s) if you’ve got persistent symptoms that are affecting your life. But, I’ve experienced each and every one of these during times of high stress and tension, and so have the people that I love and care about. These things have improved when I’ve looked inward and given myself the time and space to feel better.
The only thing that has drawn me out from a ball of anxiety has been switching the script to radical self-love. Dropping anxiously-driven habits is hard, because during times of high pressure, we almost want to tell ourselves that the world is ending and we can’t go on, so we revert to these habits to cope.
But what we fail to realize in these times is that about ninety percent of this panic and stress (which often leads to some really shitty physical symptoms!) is caused by, and prolonged by, the negative thoughts we proliferate. I’m not saying “it’s all in your head”, but I am saying that you can fix the way you handle a situation by changing the way you perceive it. The first step to changing your perception? Relaxing your mind to separate yourself from the situation. This allows you to see things clearly.
That’s what self-love can do for you. It’s actively choosing to do something that’s just for you, even if it’s only for a half hour. Whether it’s crafting a DIY project that you’ve been DIYing to try (lol), taking a kickass workout class, or kicking your feet up with a cup of tea and binge-reading your favorite mystery series, we all need to feel like we’ve taken time for ourselves and shown ourselves appreciation. Self love becomes the root of our ability to show love and compassion to others.
A relationship with someone else wouldn’t thrive if you weren’t showing appreciation and love for that person, right? So why do we think it’s different when it comes to ourselves?
Some of My Favorite Self Love Practices:
Sweating it out (hey, endorphins! how you doin?)
Making art, for the sake of art. Non-judgmental creation.
Baking delicious treats or cooking myself a special meal
Taking my pup for a long walk, ideally in nature
Tending to my plants (there’s something about taking care of something beautiful that really feels nourishing)
At-home spa day with the works, or treating myself to a facial or manicure
Sticking to my morning and evening routines. Showing up for myself.
SLEEPING IN
Planning fun date nights that we’ll both enjoy
Trying something new, or exploring a new place. Adventure!
The bottom line is this: the more self-loving you are, the greater ability you have to let that love leak out into every aspect of your life. When you’re being intentional and actively monitoring your mindset, it shows. Remind yourself that you matter. Remind yourself that you’re loved. That’s how we make this world better for each other; by making it better for ourselves.
Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do, yet it is one of the hardest things to do sometimes. When you let go of the preconceived notions of achieving success by pushing yourself past your limit, and follow your heart by doing what feels right, you can begin to experience that feeling that we all chase, whether we realize it or not: happiness.